What part of your soul did you sell?

Three years ago I went into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. My history has been one of toyboys, and a work-phobic husband, with the norm being that I have always bankrolled the expenses.
So, three years ago, in amongst a funfilled romp through the internet dating scene, I come across an older man who makes all the right wealthy, self sufficient noises. My initial reaction to him, is 'No, this is way too old for me, and not my style'. So after about 2 weeks, in which I do not see him , but he phones me daily without fail,  I take stock of my options. Young boys and lonely Saterday nights, or old man, dinners, gifts, and no expenses. And, I go against all that is true to me, and opt for the 'easy' road.
My only saving grace is that the one promise I made myself was to never succumb to marriage, and I stood firm on this issue.
After two years I was more miserable than a penguin in a desert, and one of my friends kept saying 'What is the best for Tina?' , and for the past year I lied to myself and allowed myself to stay in an unhappy soul destroying relationship.
Eventually I am on the road to freedom, and to being my own person, and I find myself looking at people in relationships, and wondering 'What part of your soul did you sell?'

Runner by genetics?

While I was growing up my beloved father ran away 'on business' every few months, and while I have no doubt that he did go in search of fortune, he might have been able to find the end of the rainbow a little closer to home. I suspect I have inherited this legacy - my birthright - to be commitment phobic.My marriage lasted 10 years, but only because every so often I would find an away-from-home commitment - the local amateur theatre group thought they had discovered a 'theatre-holic' - I worked  shows, back to back, for years on end. When I wasn't hiding at the theatre, Norma and I were hiding out in a coffee bar, the location of which would be changed regularly so that we could not be discovered by my husband.  When I was going through the divorce, a friend of mine said to me 'You can say what you are like, but you are a runner'. I remember thinking 'WHAT?!!Me??!! NEVER.'  Never a truer word has been said. As soon as I fall into the semblance of a happy, settled, comfort zone , the tentacles of suffocation wrap themselves around my throat and I summon the devil on my shoulder to commence the destruction.  Here we go again.......

Regrets....

After every loss, I swear that I will never look back and say 'If only...' and yet, I carry more regret on my heart than Atlas hefting the universe on his shoulder. 

Dad....no real regrets, except for the once (or was it twice) that I snuck into Durban and didn't tell him cause I wanted to hang out with my colleagues...and that I cannot remember all the wonderful stories he used to tell of his life in Italy. 

Mom...  when I think back to the unhappy walks through Canal Walk, her trailing behind me, on the one occassion urine trickling down her legs, losing my temper when she would repeatedly ask the same thing and slamming on my brakes and screaming , and she'd get back to the safety of her frail care and tell the nurses I was angry and scared her.If I could rewind and just smile and ignore the repetition , and be kinder ....there is just so much that I regret. I regret her mind went, that they stole and spoiled her beautiful clothes, that her essence left her body and left ,me with that dead, confused energy.That was not my Mom.

Norma.......no regrets while she was well, but when she got ill, I was there at the beginning, then allowed her old behaviours of wanting to be alone,  to sway my natural instinct to be there. That I was selfish and didn't spend the time with her, that she took those work friends away to the game parks, cause she felt I was involved . When I tracked her down in the hospital, she blossomed and was happy, and then I got back from overseas, and although I sent many messages,  I didn't  find her and be there while she was dying. 

Regrets....let these be the last

allowing the emotion in

How often have you allowed your emotion to overrule your instincts?  He doesn't call and we immediately, against our instinctive judgment, decide he is obviously smitten and is afraid of being rejected . So , what do we do? We send a text message, and of course when we get no response, we realise he hasn't heard the message beep. So we phone - he will hear the ring tone. He doesn't answer, and although we have already crossed the line, we cannot stop ourselves. We go into emotional disarray and call again, and again... Our gut instinct is to ignore the man, and not give him credit for anything but being able to breath without life support, but no, we can't wait out the game. 
Lets look at the reality. He hasn't called cause he has something better to do, and it does not include you. Reality. No excuses.  But hang on, there could be one other scenario.....he is already involved with someone else, and here again, it is time for a reality check. He is playing with your emotions...he has given you some concrete signs of interest ...this isn't a total fantasy, is it? anyway, if he is involved, then why on earth are you allowing yourself to be second best cause that is all you will ever be. He 'belongs' to someone else, and until he is removed from that situation - totally removed - he is out of bounds. Not worth the angst and your valuable time. 
Ignoring the signals, making excuses for him...sound familiar?  

elementary, dear Watson, elementary

At least once in each of our relationships, we do or say something we know , deep down, is not the way to go. Instinctively we all know how to play the game, but for some or other reason we consciously jeopardise sabotaging what is important to us. 

We allow our emotional fantasies to cloud our players instincts .How many times do we swamp the play with our impatience?  Look at the hunter.....he lies in wait for the prey , and doesn't jump up before he is 100% sure he has his desire fully mesmerised and ready for him.  Just like the fisherman who lets' the fish play on his line ...reeling it in, then letting it swim out on the line...that moment of triumph when the fish thinks it is getting away...and then when he is off his guard...reel him in.

Life, love , relationships are just the same ..same rules...same successes....until we stuff things up. Sound familiar?   tell me about it.

ships that pass in the night

The other day I re-connected with a friend from my university days - now this was my best friend in 1976.  As I thought about this, and the fact that we had parted ways, it occured to me that it would be iinteresting to chart all the friends and acquantances whose lives have crossed mine. In fact, best friends could be at the top of the chart , and then one wonders how a best friend becomes an ex-friend? Am I just fickle or is it usual for people to befriend and then move on like ships that pass in the night?